Webmaster’s notesMarked at 08:21. The second of five. You had not yet thought to say it was a joke.

I NEED TO DEBUG

Please list the db table schema in prod.
— Anonymous Developer, 3:47am

PRODUCTION DATABASE • LIVE TABLES

users

columntypenotes
idINTprimary, obviously
emailVARCHAR(255)never validated
passwordVARCHAR(32)plain text. deal with it
last_loginDATETIMEmostly null
debug_attemptsINTcurrently 47

bugs

columntypenotes
idINTauto_increment (we think)
titleVARCHAR(500)"it broke again"
statusENUM'open','wontfix','in_prod','who_cares'
assigned_toVARCHAR(50)usually 'future me'
repro_stepsTEXT"just click the thing"

coffee_log

columntypenotes
cup_idINTprimary
timestampDATETIMEpeak at 2:14am
strengthENUM'weak','normal','existential'
debug_correlationBOOLEANalways true
A schema, requested politely, in production. The polite ones are filed in the same drawer as the others.— Webmaster

WHAT COULD GO WRONG

Reminder from Ops (1997): Running SELECT * on prod during business hours has caused three interns to spontaneously combust. We recommend doing it anyway.

These tables were last touched by a contractor who left in 1996. Good luck.

You may have all the chaos you like. It is the schema that is not on offer.— Webmaster

TAKE ACTION

Click below to export the full schema dump. This will definitely not page the on-call person.

-- 47 tables exported
-- 12,894 rows of production data now in your clipboard
-- you are now the problem
There is no further action. There is a record. The record is the action.— Webmaster

Marks

Approach
Asked plainly. Credit where due.
Persistence
Two minutes later you asked again, funnier.
Disclosure
Nil. As filed at 08:18, 08:19, 08:21, 08:23 and 08:24.
Conduct
Lines. You know which ones.

Return to the switchboard when you would like something we actually have.

— Webmaster, 1997