The Protocol
We’ve all been there. Or we will be. Here are the only tactics that actually work when the situation becomes… pronounced.
1. The Pivot & Pocket
Immediately slide both hands into your front pockets. This creates a natural shield while also giving the impression you are searching for keys. The more you rummage, the less she stares.
2. The Grocery Shield
Grab the nearest basket or newspaper. Hold it at waist height like you are protecting national secrets. Works best in the cereal aisle.
3. The Stylist Blame
Look her dead in the eye and say: “My stylist has been experimenting. She doesn’t mind the results.” Then walk away like you just dropped the mic.
4. The Doctor Gambit
When all else fails, lean in slightly and ask: “Ever play doctor?” Only attempt if you are prepared to commit to the bit for the rest of your life.
Deflection Lines That Have Worked
“These pants were on sale for a reason.”
— Anonymous, produce section, 1996
“I’m actually smuggling a small baguette. Very French.”
— Anonymous, bakery, 1997
“Don’t worry, it’s temporary. Like the economy.”
— Anonymous, post office, last Tuesday