ESCAPING
THE CLUTCHES

How to shake a bad interested party in 1997 without making everything worse.

The Classic Traps

Act interested

Lean in. Ask questions. Smile too much. It works for about four minutes until they start planning your future together. Now you’re in deeper and the exit is further away.

Woman sprinting away from an awkward dinner

Go for someone else

Shift attention to their friend. Works perfectly until you realise you actually like the friend. Now you’ve created a love triangle and lost the moral high ground.

Man fleeing a crowded party

Act gay

Flawless until the person across the table is genuinely part of the community and starts naming bars you’ve never heard of. You are now exposed and the conversation has only just begun.

Person dashing down a city street at night

Four Better Options

Feign sudden illness

Clutch your stomach. Whisper “it’s the oysters”. Leave before they offer to drive you home. Works best when you actually look pale.

Silhouette running away down an empty street

Summon a friend emergency

Have a pre-arranged call at 22:17. Answer with visible panic. “I’m on my way.” Hang up and apologise profusely while already putting on your coat.

Become deeply boring

Launch into a twenty-minute monologue about your stamp collection, your mother’s casserole recipes, or the correct way to polish silver. They will leave on their own.

Claim religious obligation

Quietly mention you’ve taken a vow of celibacy for the next eighteen months. Offer to show them the pamphlet. Most people will not ask follow-up questions.

Top Ten Ways to Escape

  1. Pretend you left the gas on at home.
  2. Suddenly remember you’re allergic to their perfume.
  3. Start speaking only in French and act confused when they don’t understand.
  4. Announce you’re meeting your parole officer in twenty minutes.
  5. Offer to show them your “extensive collection of pressed flowers” and watch them retreat.
  6. Claim you’re on a strict 9pm curfew set by your therapist.
  7. Begin describing your recent root canal in clinical detail.
  8. Text yourself an emergency from across the table and read it aloud.
  9. Say “my ex just walked in” even when they haven’t.
  10. Stand up, say “this has been lovely”, and walk directly into the night without looking back.